Walls
A furore normannorum libera nos, Domine
(Lord, deliver us from the fury of the Norsemen)
~ Medieval European prayer
When asked on NBC's "Meet the Press about the idea of building a northern wall as a barrier with Canada, Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker said, "That is a legitimate issue for us to look at... It starts with securing the homeland."
As one who lives in the shadow of the Canadian giant and that country's creeping imperialism in the form of Tim Horton's, Labatt's beer and their cunning insinuation of heart-busting poutine into our diet, I wholeheartedly support Mr. Walker's proposal. You can call it xenophobia. I call it protection of the Homeland.
We American patriots who reside a mere cannon ball's shot from Canada have a lot of resentments against our northern neighbor. Let's start with the American Revolution. After we threw off the yoke of British oppression, Lower Canada welcomed droves of so-called United Empire Loyalists -- those American colonialists who refused to embrace "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" and instead stubbornly remained loyal to a nutso foreign king, contentedly paying taxes to the crown. In a measure that inspired a future Cuban revolutionary, our revolutionaries evicted the loyalists from their homes and seized their properties. Many of these gusanos settled in Ontario, where to this day towns and cities proudly maintain UEL parks and monuments. They even have a seditious organization called the United Empire Loyalists' Association of Canada. Its members are descendants of the folks we kicked out. Get over it, Canada!
Then there's that 10-minute skirmish called the War of 1812. We Americans treat it as a footnote to history, barely devoting a day on it in high school history classes. The Canucks, however, treat it as a major conflict, one in which they successfully repulsed the Yanks and forever preserved their borders. As if blunting American Manifest Destiny is some kind of big deal. But their propaganda is incessant and needs to be toned down. A February 2012 poll found that Canadian identity as it relates to the War of 1812 places second (25%), only behind Canadian universal health care (53%) -- don't get us Americans started on that one!
And the grievances go on and on. Canada accepted thousands of escaped American slaves before our Civil War, in open defiance of U.S. law at the time. In the same vein, Ottawa took in thousands of U.S. draft dodgers and military deserters during the Vietnam War, prompting Richard Nixon to refer to Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau as an "asshole." The Canadian leader retorted, "I've been called worse things by better people." Oh, yeah? Like who?!
But it's the daily irritations of living in the Maple Leaf's shadow that get me down. Every time I get a Canadian dime back in change, I'm receiving a mere eight cents due to the current exchange rate. I'm losing a full 20 percent every time that happens! My family and I like to make day trips to that Loyalist nest, Kingston, ON. And every time we reach Canadian customs, they ask if we're carrying arms. WTF?! Don't they have a Second Amendment in Canada? You never know when a Loyalist might look at you funny and spark your anger, forcing you to have to defend yourself with your shiny new Glock. And lastly, that vaunted Canadian niceness -- it just gets under my skin, eh.
Furthermore, I resent the shame and embarrassment of crossing from a Rustbelt wasteland into a land of spiffy, clean towns and cities with vibrant economies. Moreover, if I break an ankle in one of their beautiful parks, their hospitals will fix it -- for free! What kind of example does that set? I'll tell you: Big Government and Creeping Socialism, that's what.
Finally, let me just say this about Tim Horton's: it's Canadians' revenge against their erstwhile 1812 enemy. Saturated fats, sodium and really bad coffee. Thanks Canada.
So, yes, bring on the walls! The Greatest Country on Earth can certainly afford to construct a 30-foot high, 5,500-mile wall across the North American continent in the name of Homeland Security -- even if it does bankrupt us, morally as well as financially.