The American Diplomatic Spoils System, Part III: My Job Application to the World's Most Popular Soap Opera
To: Bradley Bell
Executive Producer, CBS
The Bold and the Beautiful
Dear Mr. Bell:
I hereby submit my application to join the cast of your wildly successful soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful. After reading about your wife, Colleen, a producer for B&B, being named by President Obama to be our next ambassador to Hungary, I thought, I too, can realize one of my wildest dreams: become a soap opera matinée idol.
Now, looking at my résumé, you might think, "Hmm. Very thin. No acting experience. No background in showbiz. He's very good looking though!"
I know, I know. Yes, very thin indeed, with only twenty-five years working in the U.S. government foreign affairs establishment, twenty-three of those as a Foreign Service officer; seven years of higher education devoted to international relations, including at the U.S. Naval War College and an Ivy League university, I really have little to offer as a soap opera actor. And I'll confess I haven't watched a soap opera since my mother caught highlights of As the World Turns during breaks from housework when I was a little kid. But, having failed at getting my own presidential appointment to embassy Rome or Paris because political hack fundraisers always ace out career diplomats for these posts, I need to make a career change. I'm a bestselling thriller writer. That's not too far from showbiz, is it?
I figure if Colleen can become an ambassador with zero foreign affairs credentials, why shouldn't I be able to break into showbiz? After all, this is America, right? With all due respect to Mrs. Bell, who appears to be highly successful in Hollywood production and as a philanthropist and, of course, a political fundraiser, her diplomatic credentials are not only thin. They're nonexistent. Don't get me wrong. Being a trustee of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and having co-chaired an event celebrating World Oceans Day is nothing to sneeze at. And having hosted two events at your home for the Foo Fighters is indeed impressive ("Foo" what?). But I guess the real clincher centers on what has one done for the Prez lately. The New York Times reports that Colleen Bell is one of Obama's top fundraisers, having raised $2,191,835 in 2011 and 2012.
'Fraid I can't compete with big bucks. But here's what I can offer to CBS's B&B. Hollywood and Foggy Bottom have much in common: plenty of contrived dramas, glitzy superficiality, fragile runaway egos, Machiavellian intrigues and backstabbing. I was immersed in this bizarre culture for two-and-a-half decades. It's all second nature to me. And here's how I propose you use it on your show once you've hired me on: write me in as J. Huntington Outerbridge III, an effete, conniving, snarky diplomat who sleeps with all the beautiful female characters while engaged in high-stakes diplomacy to foil nefarious plots by al-Qaida and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. It's a winner! Watch your ratings go through the roof.
I eagerly await your call to audition.
P.S. --
TO: James Costos, HBO V-P chosen to be the next U.S. ambassador to Spain, and Charles Rivkin, ex-CEO of The Jim Henson Company, and until recently, U.S. ambassador to France:
My résumés are on the way!
See also:
The American Diplomatic Spoils System: Embassies for Sale
The American Diplomatic Spoils System, Part II: Election's Over - Let the Spoils Begin!