The American Diplomatic Spoils System, Part II: Election's Over - Let the Spoils Begin!
Dear Mr. President:
First, congratulations on your re-election. Great job! Second, you may recall that I had written about our country's diplomatic spoils system last year. Since you no doubt already are being inundated with bids for ambassadorships from a bevy of party hacks, money bundlers, airhead society dames and vulture capitalists, I thought I'd waste no time putting in my recommendations. So, here they are:
Scrooge McDuck
A charter member of the Billionaire's Club of Duckburg, Mr. McDuck is emblematic of the American Dream: a rags-to-riches immigrant who represents an underserved minority: Scottish-Americans. McDuck, who made his fortune in socially responsible and green sectors, including selling fridges to Inuit and wind to windmill manufacturers, outgave his Republican rival, John D. Rockerduck, to the Democrat superpac, Fowl Play America. His nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie, moreover, have been active in energizing the youth wing of Duckburg's Democratic flock. He is a member of the board of Disney. The multilingual McDuck is requesting to be named America's first ambassador to breakaway Scotland.
Curly Howard
Affectionately called "Knucklehead" by his associates, Moe and Larry, Curly Howard led the Tinsel Town effort to re-elect you, Mr. President. An Academy Award nominee for his films, Halfwit Holiday, We Want Our Mummy and Disorder in the Court, Curly went mansion-to-mansion in Beverly Hills batter-ramming each door with his head until the homeowner responded, whereupon Curly ran in place, barked and did an elaborate knuckle-cracking routine until his targets coughed up cash for the Stooges for America superpac. Curly knows how to say, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk in Ebonics, Yiddish and Pig Latin, thereby, qualifying him for the diplomatic life. His starring role in the Middle Eastern-themed Malice in the Palace and Rumpus in the Harem would make Curly ideally suited to be Middle East Envoy.
Gloria Teasdale & Rufus T. Firefly
An A-lister in the Social Register, Gloria Teasdale is well known to you, Mr. President, as a fixture at every significant soiree given in Washington since the Truman administration. Mrs. Teasdale is fortunate to already have had diplomatic experience along with her associate, Rufus T. Firefly. Mrs. Teasdale, you may recall, arranged for Firefly to be appointed leader of the small, bankrupt country of Freedonia as a condition for her continued provision of much-needed financial backing. This, unfortunately, led to a brief war with neighboring Sylvania, but all turned out well in the end under the unsteady, but determined stewardship of Mr. Firefly, who, speaking before the Cosmos Club, said, "I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." Their daring saga was made into the dramatic film, Duck Soup. Mrs. Teasdale is requesting London, while the gregarious Mr. Firefly would be pleased to be named ambassador to the Court of St. James -- now hang on…that is to say…uh…
Thurston Howell III
A member of the New England Yankee elite—a resident of Newport, Rhode Island and a graduate of Harvard University, Thurston Howell III was included in Forbes Magazine's 2006 list of the 15 richest fictional characters. An avowed Republican, the venture capitalist nonetheless hedges his bets and gave generously to the Bluedog Republicans for Obama superpac. His wife, Lovey, gives charity benefits (Retired Polo Horse Foundation, Vintage Rolls Royce Museum and the America Cup Food Drive) and has a refined sense of noblesse oblige. Mr. Howell fills the bill of progressive plutocrat, and would be pleased to be given the Barbados ambassadorship so that he can go yachting twelve months of the year. His appointment would demonstrate the administration's commitment to bipartisanship.
So, this is my roster of diplomatic dilettantes thus far, Mr. President. I would unabashedly throw my own hat in the ring, but, alas, with three university degrees in international relations, 23 years as a Foreign Service officer and a modest bank account, I'm afraid that I am overqualified and underfunded. So, let's keep with the tried and true American political tradition of giving our country's most sought-after and prestigious ambassadorships to the vacuously wealthy, the intellectually challenged, and kiss-ass party agitprops. We eagerly await your first list of names to be submitted to the Senate for approval. And once appointed, we can all sleep soundly knowing our nation's foreign policy is in capable hands.
See:
The American Diplomatic Spoils System: Embassies for Sale