Happy Birthday Anna Chapman!
счастливый день рождения А́нна Васи́льевна Кущенко Ча́пман!
Happy Birthday Anna Vasilyevna Kushchyenko Chapman!
On behalf of all active-duty and retired American diplomats and intelligence officers, I want to extend a hearty congratulations on your attaining the age of 30! That is, your fourth decade of life. You've achieved more in your life than ninety-nine percent of women your age. According to your LinkedIn page, you've done the following:
VP at KIT Fortis Investments
Head of IPO at Navigator hedge Fund - London
Slave at Barclays Bank - London
Sales at NetJets Europe (private Avaition - {sic}) - London
For some strange reason, your stint in New York as bogus real estate agent/failed spy/party girl are left out, as is all the salacious and notorious publicity that resulted. And there's nothing on your near-nude photo shoots with Maxim and other quasi-pornographic magazines. Well, we all have convenient gaps in our resumés. Some things are best swept under the rug. Certainly, a week in solitary in a NYC jail, forced deportation from the U.S. and being stripped of British citizenship don't cut a great impression with potential business clients.
Whoa! Hold on! What's this "Slave at Barclays Bank"? Just what did they make you do anyway?! A slave? Really? You didn't mean a Slav, I suppose? You already have one typo - "Avaition." But most of us will cut you a break since English is not your mother tongue. Nothing wrong with being a "Slav at Barclays Bank." Like me being a Yank at the U.S. State Department. But you repeat "Slave" further down in your LinkedIn credentials. Was it actually that bad? Please explain to your adoring public just what you mean by that Slave/Slav entry. We'd love to know more.
Getting back to your birthday -- 30 is a big deal for a woman. It's when most party girls start thinking seriously about turning in that little Versace number for an apron; about trading the disco dance floor for the altar; about finding a life-mate who will still idolize you when the wrinkles set in; about ditching apple martinis for baby formula; about mom's jeans over the G-string; about the family Christmas card photo over skin shots. The above photo, taken from your Facebook page, is a step in the right direction, but only a baby step. You convey glamor, but I guarantee you will convey pathos if you continue such titillating poses as you lurch toward middle age.
Anyway, my purpose for this message is not to mercilessly call the world's attention to your checkered past nor to lecture you on the ravages of aging and the need to act like a grown-up woman in her fourth decade of life. It is to wish you a joyous birthday in your permanent exile from Western Civilization, which we all know you miss dearly. Czar Vladimir I is pissing Russians off with his atavistic political heavyhandedness. Your beloved SVR (successor to the KGB) still hasn't recovered from the incredibly entertaining clown show you and your ten cohorts carried on until the FBI guys' sides were splitting so hard they just had to finally round you all up. So, happy B'Day Anna. We look forward to seeing you foresake the limelight and stick to selling widgets and other boring stuff. And do let us all know on your Facebook page when you finally find Mr. Right. Just promise us you won't marry a spy. Then someone in Hollywood would absolutely have to make a sitcom out of your life, or better yet -- a reality show!
One final note: I hereby promise to stop annoying you and leave you to pick up the pieces of your sordid life. I promise to stop making fun of your laughable spy "tradecraft" skills, your trading in the Manhattan fast life for turgid speeches before pimple-faced Young Guard drones in Stalinist auditoriums, your parents' flawed childrearing, your dental hygienist's looks and your shameless exhibitionism. Raised a gentleman, I was taught early on to show respect for women of "a certain age."
Finally, my blatantly transparent ploys to exploit your notoriety to sell my books is no longer necessary. As of this writing, my thrillers rank #14 and #25 of all Amazon Kindle books sold (out of over a million titles), and top the Political Fiction, Spy Tales, Action & Adventure and Thrillers lists. Nonetheless, my invitation to you to submit a guest blog post still stands. . .
And, again, I promise to stop being a provocateur.
Really.
Honest.
Scout's honor.
I swear I'll make a good faith effort.
As Saturday Night Live's Tommy Flanagan would say, "Yeah, that's the ticket!"
See:
An Open Letter to Anna Chapman
The Anna Chapman Saga Continues: Not Again! More Russian Spies Arrested
Russian Sleeper Agents: Holiday Greetings from the Coneheads
Another Message to Anna Chapman: Never Mind!
Another Open Letter to Anna Chapman