Are You Kidding Me?
If folks ever think of the U.S. Department of State at all they think: grey, sober, faceless - yet brainy - functionaries who obsess over Ecuadorean elections, Turkish trade relations with Africa and planning discussions with Moscow on New START limits. But there's one exception to the stereotype, one of which few outsiders are aware. When April 1st rolls around, the pranks begin. Phony cables appear announcing the assignment of an officer immediately to Timbuktu, or a memo instructing employees to drink less from the water fountains, etc. One "press release" this past April Fool's Day announced, "Apple® today announced it has agreed to acquire the critically acclaimed U.S. Department of State and the related U.S. Agency for International Development, which together shape and sustain a peaceful and prosperous democratic world for the benefit of American corporations." There have been less tongue-in-cheek works of fiction posing as official fact that have been taken seriously by top brass who then began taking actions in response. Needless to say, these officials with egg on their faces were not amused. So, the April Fool's Day tradition at State has been only somewhat tolerated.
This April 1, a cable began circulating titled, GUIDANCE FOR ‘AMERICA FIRST’ COST SAVINGS INITIATIVES. Dressed up with the usual technical router data and correct format, the message to all offices and overseas posts outlines directives on how to reduce costs within an austerity budget. The cable starts out with plausible instructions, such as the need to adhere to the Secretary's stated values of "accountability, honesty, and respect." It then proceeds to protocol guidelines, but then the cable gets crazier and crazier:
"Embassy Minsk saves money by drying and reusing paper towels: With great spills come great opportunity! Post has divided its used paper towels into two categories: paper towels to toss and paper towels to dry."
"Embassy Addis Ababa commits to flushing less: Post has been committed to water conservation for the last few years. Post bidders should be aware that mission has a standing policy on flushing less or as the mission motto goes, 'If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.'"
"Sheep and Goat Landscaping Initiative. Where economical to the U.S. Government, posts may now permit the purchase of sheep and goats to clear brush or mow the lawn at embassies and consulates in place of landscape and gardening services."
The most notable blogger on the State Department is the beloved Diplopundit. DP posted the mock cable to the delight of their vast readership. And guess what? Yep. Some senior folks at the Department didn't like it. Why? Probably because for this new administration, humor, as another vehicle that exposes truth, is akin to hemlock. DP received the following emails from senior State Department officials:
"You may or may not know that the cable posted at the link below is false, a forgery. This may be an April fool that you all have executed or one that was executed on you but either way we’d ask that you immediately take it down and note with a prominent correction that this was a forgery and not a real cable. We thank you in advance for your immediate action in this regard."
"You may or may not know that the supposed State cable you posted today is false. Please take this down and post a correction IMMEDIATELY."
First of all, I didn't know that the State Department had any senior officials left. In any case, Diplopundit wrote in reaction:
"We’d love to know which very senior people from the 7th Floor forgot to bring their humor machine to Foggy Bottom. But congrats to the State Department’s new overlords tasked with supporting the principles of a free press and free expression. It must be um…hard when every day feels like April Fools’ Day."
DP added, "I don’t like being bullied. Hey, I’m the watcher on the wall; maybe frazzled for now, and blogging maybe a tad sporadic for a bit — but here to stay folks."
Diplopundit channels that late great champion of free expression, Tom Paine, of Revolutionary War fame (remember? "These are times that try men's souls...") The blog is not just valuable for all who follow State Department shenanigans, but is priceless. DP is defying the few senior folks (Redcoats) still working at Foggy Bottom. DP is bravely soldiering on in the name of press liberty. Raise a musket and shout, "Huzzah!"