A Conversation Between Donald Trump and his Russian Handler, Part VI: Getting Putin-Propaganda Right
TRUMP: Did you see her dancing like she was a cricket on speed? Damn. You guys really screwed up this time. People love it! Here you guys were out to make her look like some kind of struttin' strumpet, and she comes off like...like...uh... a human being.
SHPIONOV: Sorry. But what are you talking about?
TRUMP: Alexandra Diaz-what's-her-name. Your trolls tweeted a video of her dancing on a roof when she was in college. She was dancing! Not stripping! What? Are you Russkies so dour that a kid prancing around to rock music is seen as some sort of degenerate? That's why you jailed Pussy Riot? People love her! Cute as hell. She makes the Dems look good.
SHPIONOV: Oh, this. Ah. Yah. Um. GRU. They did that. I do not work for them. I work for SVR. They are what we call, shut gorokhoviy - stupid lugheads, morons.
TRUMP: And then she does a little number in front of her office door on her first day in Congress. Americans lapped it right up. Her ratings are double mine. I'm as popular as dog food. Kellyanne's husband called us a "shit show in a dumpster fire." This is unacceptable. And what the hell is GRU anyway?
SHPIONOV: Military intelligence.
TRUMP: Military morons is more like it. You guys all got borscht in your boxers.
SHPIONOV: May I remind you that without them, you would not be president.
TRUMP: At this stage, they did me no favors.
SHPIONOV: Let us get down to business, shall we?
TRUMP: Yeah. Pardons for Manafort and Flynn? Plutonium in Michael Cohen's corn flakes?
SHPIONOV: (looks incredulous). Uh, no.
TRUMP: What then? I haven't got a lot of time. Got to get the military to build The Wall.
SHPIONOV: No. Messaging. We need you to convince Americans that we Russians are the good guys, your best friends. Two great powers in sync with each other.
TRUMP: Oh, right. Sort of like "The Man in the High Castle"? An alternate reality? Putin takes over the United States. Everybody has to go "Heil Putin!"?
SHPIONOV: (looks incredulous again) What? (shakes head - changes subject) Let's review the issues, shall we?
TRUMP: Shoot.
SHPIONOV: You did well in raising attention about the Polish incursions into Belarus two years ago. And getting the NSC to look into it.
TRUMP: Melania told me Hitler pulled the same stunt. Who knew?
SHPIONOV: You were less successful in convincing your countrymen concerning the dire threat posed by Montenegro. You messed up the talking points we gave you about how Montenegrins are an aggressive people bent on starting World War III.
TRUMP: Montenegro? So, where the hell is that? Somewheres east of Pitcairn Island? You kiddin' me? I got more people believing that the IRS is auditing my tax returns for the past thirty years than some microstate is going to destroy the universe. You don't want them in NATO? You wanna whack their prime minister? I know some guys in Newark who can take care of that for you.
SHPIONOV: You did better being persuasive on the message Vladimir Vladimirovich gave you on the need to extradite American officials to Russia to be interrogated about their interference in Russia's internal affairs.
TRUMP: Who could predict so many people being outraged that one of them would be our former ambassador to your country? Had to back off on that one.
SHPIONOV: But you got right our points on Afghanistan. That the Soviet Union intervened in 1979 to stifle terrorists who threatened the Motherland. And that the Duma is discussing legislation to revise the erroneous historical view on this.
TRUMP: Hold on, Boris.
SHPIONOV: Sergei.
TRUMP: Whatever. People don't buy it. It's total bull. Puts my credibility as president on the line. Even Captain Kangaroo caught that one. Told me it made me look like a fool.
SHPIONOV: (more incredulousness). Who?
TRUMP: John Bolton. Looks like Captain Kangaroo, don't you think?
SHPIONOV: Uh, I can't say...
TRUMP: So, what's next? By the way, just when does my debt get paid up? I mean, I think I've more than paid back in favors the loans you guys gave me since the casinos tanked.
SHPIONOV: We are indeed grateful. But you ran up the tab, as you say, "big league," when we got you elected. Therefore, our partnership will continue indefinitely.
(pulls paper out of jacket pocket) Here are your latest points to press before the American public: "Julian Assange: A Hero Framed..."
See also:
A Conversation Between Donald Trump and his KGB Handler, Part V
and previous