A Conversation Between Donald Trump and his KGB Handler, Part V
SHPIONOV: We cannot keep meeting like this, here at Mar-a-Lago. Someone will catch on. We will be revealed. And my cover as an executive with Golf Ball International, Inc. will be blown.
TRUMP: Don't sweat it, Boris. I've got it all under control. I keep the reporters at arm's length, the staff are discreet and I've got the FBI on the run.
SHPIONOV: Yes. Vladimir Vladimirovich is very pleased. First, you compared your intelligence agencies to Nazis. Then you ruined the State Department. Now, the way you are attacking the top leadership of the FBI and getting your friends in Congress and Fox-News to get the public to believe that it is biased and incompetent is very, very good. And my name is Sergei.
SHPIONOV: You owe me one.
TRUMP: So, what can we do?
SHPIONOV: Melania's pissed. She refused to come with me to Davos. Little misunderstanding about my acquaintance with a lady movie star.
SHPIONOV: You mean Miss Stormy Daniels? Actress in pornographic films? Star of "Good Will Humping" and "Witches of Breastwick"?
TRUMP: She's a creative artist. You seem to know a lot about her.
SHPIONOV: We do our research.
TRUMP: Speaking of which, how the hell did that limey Steele get dirt on the "golden showers"?
SHPIONOV: (Shrugs) Moscow is a very leaky place.
TRUMP: Is that supposed to be funny?
SHPIONOV: Actually, no.
TRUMP: Did you use that trick to trap Devon Nunes too? How'd you guys bag that putz?
SHPIONOV: Our trade secret, let us say.
TRUMP: Well, whatever you did, you did it well. My back-biting staff refer to him as Marley.
SHPIONOV: (Shakes head) I do not understand.
TRUMP: From the movie, "Marley and Me," with Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston. About a cute little lap dog. LAP DOG. Get it? Nunes follows me around sniffing my you-know-what all day long, desperate to please me, do my every bidding. If I told the schmuck to be Stormy Daniels' sex slave on film, he'd do it. The guy's completely in my pocket. Total Loser.
SHPIONOV: Well, we are very pleased with him, as we are with senators Grassley and Goodlatte.
TRUMP: They're opportunists. They could co-star in Stormy's next feature, "Political Whores of Washington." They suck up to me to get Satan's Agenda passed in Congress. Same goes for Maggot McConnell and Eagle Scout Ryan. They'd sell their families to slavers to stay in power. But Hatch. The old fart acts like the Manchurian Candidate. Now, even those airhead Evangelicals are giving me a "mulligan" for my playing around with Stormy and her girlfriends. Here's the thing, Boris. Like I said years ago, "If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up."
SHPIONOV: America is well on its way to self-destruction. Keep up the good work. There are more golden showers awaiting you in Moscow.
TRUMP: (Eyebrows raised).
SHPIONOV: No, sorry. We cannot help you with Melania.
See also:
A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler, Part IV