A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler, Part III
SHPIONOV: You have turned this old D.C. post office building into a magnificent hotel.
TRUMP: Yeah, it's great. But still not covering overhead. How about steering lots of Russkies our way. We need to get occupancy up. I got the Saudis, Kuwaitis, those other A-rabs giving me more business. I need more white people. Otherwise, the camel jockeys will drive away the respectable clientele.
SHPIONOV: I'm afraid I have no power to do so. Besides, I must maintain a low profile given my role here. And thank you for giving me a job as a security man as cover.
TRUMP: You watch "The Americans," right? I'm learning a hell of a lot about you Russian spies just by watching that show.
SHPIONOV: Uh, that is fiction. Entertaining perhaps, but...
TRUMP: I mean, the way you guys go around whacking people without blinking an eye. Seriously amazing. And the disguises. You got more props than a New Orleans whorehouse.
SHPIONOV: (Shakes head vigorously).
TRUMP: Ah, c'mon!! Don't deny it. (Wags finger.) You Russkies may not monopolize the brains department, but you're devious as hell. B-I-G league!
SHPIONOV: Let's get down to business, shall we?
TRUMP: Okay. Shoot.
SHPIONOV: The Center is very pleased with your dismantling of the State Department. Firing the senior staff, leaving vacancies empty, slashing their budget, giving them nothing to do.
TRUMP: Never liked those candy-assed cookie-pushers. They think they're superior to everybody else. And that dissent channel message opposing the travel ban signed by over a thousand of them - that was the last straw, believe me.
SHPIONOV: We agree, uh, "big time," as you say. (Smiles.) But we are especially pleased with Mr. Tillerson.
TRUMP: Yeah, tell Vladimir thanks for choosing him. The guy's harmless. About as interesting as a box of hammers and about as quick as Mayor DeBlasio on a good day. Came to me to ask how he wanted me to "run our foreign policy." I told him, "Just sit and do nothing. When the bat guano piles up to nose-level, call me for further instructions."
SHPIONOV: Good. Very good. Vladimir Vladimirovich will award him another medal, the Order of Saint Andrew the Apostle the First-Called, after he has finished destroying the State Department. As for the intelligence community, we want you to continue to convince the American people that they are incompetent and cannot be trusted.
TRUMP: And you'll continue to feed stuff to Assange, right? I l-o-v-e Wikileaks, by the way. Last thing. These investigations are getting too close to home. My ploy to divert attention by fingering Obama for wiretapping isn't being taken seriously. And I'm worried they'll get Manafort to sing, especially with Flynn out of the picture. And, by the way, how about whacking Carter Page? Like Philip and Elizabeth do. That guy's dumber than DeBlasio on a bad day and he's talking too much.
SHPIONOV: Who are Philip and Elizabeth?
TRUMP: "The Americans!" Geez, but have you Russkies got borscht for brains, or what?
SHPIONOV: No, out of the question.
TRUMP: Then how about Rachel Maddow?
SHPIONOV: Hmm.
See also:
A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler, Part II
A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler, Part I