A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler, Part II
SHPIONOV: I don't like having to be your caddy. I am a professional, an important man back in Moscow. And being exposed for the world to see us on these golf links is very bad tradecraft.
TRUMP: You kiddin' me? Why, this is great cover for you. After all, I'm meeting Tom Jones, sales rep for Golf Balls International, aren't I? By the way, did you see the ass on that cocktail waitress? We have a strict hiring policy here at Mar-a-Lago. The babes must all be hot. And no broad serving the public over 35. We're doing the same policy at the White House when I take over. And I'm making sure Andy Puzder gets the message so he's prepared when confirmed as Labor Secretary.
SHPIONOV: (speechless - mouth agape) Uh, let us stay on track, shall we? We have important business to discuss. And, besides, I hear thunder in the distance.
TRUMP: I've gotta get the ball over that hill. A Michael Barrymore please.
SHPIONOV: I'm sorry. I don't understand.
TRUMP: You Russkies really are dumber than dirt, aren't you? I'm saying, hand me a 4-iron.
SHPIONOV: (fumbles in golf bag) Here.
TRUMP: (holding club - checking distance) “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” Who said that?
SHPIONOV: (shrugs)
TRUMP: Jack Benny.
SHPIONOV: (shrugs again)
TRUMP: Like I said about Russkies... (swings - watches ball - stomps foot) Shit. A Rock Hudson.
SHPIONOV: (shakes head)
TRUMP: You really need to improve your English, Boris. Thought it was straight but it wasn’t. Get it?
SHPIONOV: (ignores comment - looks at watch) My name is Sergei. You see that Vladimir Vladimirovich has not retaliated to Obama's stupid order to expel 35 of our diplomats.
TRUMP: Spies.
SHPIONOV: Embassy personnel.
TRUMP: Whatever.
SHPIONOV: So, Moscow has asked me to ask you what you will do when you take office?
TRUMP: You mean, about the spies?
SHPIONOV: Diplo- ...Whatever.
TRUMP: I'll pull a Mulligan.
SHPIONOV: (scratches sunburnt bald head).
TRUMP: A second chance. I'll let them all come back.
SHPIONOV: Well, Vladimir Vladimirovich has another idea. Since your fellow Republicans in Congress likely would not go along with that, he was thinking of a bigger idea, one that would put relations between our two countries on a better footing.
TRUMP: (handing back the 4-iron) Okay, I'm game.
SHPIONOV: We propose a comprehensive U.S.-Russia Friendship Treaty.
TRUMP: Okay, Boris. Sounds good. But also acey-deucy (climbs in golf cart).
SHPIONOV: Please stick to standard English. That thunder is getting closer. Shouldn't we...?
TRUMP: Climb in Boris. Gotta pull off an Adolf Hitler before the storm arrives.
SHPIONOV: Hitler?! What?!
TRUMP: Two shots to get out of the bunker. Get it?
SHPIONOV: Ah, yes. Funny. So, this treaty. America will recognize Crimea belongs to Russia. NATO will kick the Baltic countries out. And you will accept that Ukraine will again be a Soviet...er, I mean a republic within the Russian Federation.
TRUMP: I'm married to a Slovenian. The women there are like their food. Once you've had a sample, you don't want any more.
SHPIONOV: (speechless again)
TRUMP: Meaning you ever see Miss Ukraine win a Miss Universe Pageant?
SHPIONOV: I don't know.
TRUMP: Take my word for it. No. You guys can have the Ukraine. (thunder clap) Okay Boris, time to run like a sailor's dick.
SHPIONOV: (exasperated). давайте убираться отсюда!
See also:
A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler, Part I