A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler
SHPIONOV: I told you we can no longer meet like this. Trump Tower is too visible. And the Secret Service has to vet me. Sooner or later they'll find out I'm not the sales rep for Golf Balls International.
TRUMP: Don't sweat it. The Secret Service are stand-up guys. Not losers like the rest of the government slugs. They like me. I cop them time at the Mar-a-Lago links. And, besides, I'm a people person. Like to make deals face-to-face.
SHPIONOV: But I am sweating it. This sauna is very hot and I can't take it for too long. In Russia, after some time in the banya, we go outside to roll in the snow or take a dip in a lake to cool off.
TRUMP: Go jump in the lake then! In fact, take a flying leap while you're at it. Then you'll be out of my hair.
SHPIONOV: Let me remind you, Mr. President-elect, that we have a partnership. And not like one of your many flim-flam deals where you stiff your business partners. If you fail to keep up your end of our "contract," all this...everything...will end. What hair?
TRUMP: Don't remind me. You didn't get me with the babes you sent. I can grab any broad by the p---- and get away with it. Nice try, but it didn't work. I wasn't born yesterday.
SHPIONOV: No, but I don't need to remind you of the "loans." Without those millions from us back when Trump Enterprises was teetering toward bankruptcy, you would be selling golf balls today.
TRUMP: (Shrugs) Just another deal.
SHPIONOV: (Points finger) And, by the way, you will not release your tax returns! Understand?
TRUMP: (Nods)
SHPIONOV: Another thing. What is this about refusing to receive daily briefings from the CIA?
TRUMP: I'm, like, a smart person. I don't have to be told the same thing in the same words every single day for the next eight years...I don't need that.
SHPIONOV: (Exasperated) Do I have to draw pictures? Don't you get it?
TRUMP: Get what?
SHPIONOV: We need to know. We need you to tell us what your intelligence community is saying about us not to mention the rest of the world.
TRUMP:(Shrugs) I'll see what I can do.
SHPIONOV: Just do it. (Presents a sheet of paper) Here are your talking points. Keep saying them at every opportunity:
"I don't believe they interfered... it could be Russia. And it could be China. And it could be some guy in his home in New Jersey."
"These are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction."
"What proof does anyone have that they effected the outcome because I've heard zero. Show me what facts have actually shown that anything undermined that election."
"It is always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his own country and beyond. I have always felt that Russia and the United States should be able to work well with each other towards defeating terrorism and restoring world peace, not to mention trade and all of the other benefits derived from mutual respect."
TRUMP: Yeah. No problem.
SHPIONOV: And continue to instruct Flynn, Kellyanne and the others to also follow this line.
TRUMP: Flynn. You made me appoint him. But the guy scares even me. Like some of those made guys I had to deal with in Jersey on the casinos. They melted the gold glitter off the gargoyles.
SHPIONOV: He is a special friend of Vladimir Vladimirovich. We've cultivated him for many years. He is a good man. Retain him.
TRUMP: I'll let Pence deal with the prick. But Bolton is even scarier. Reminds me of Freddy Krueger.
SHPIONOV: Who?
TRUMP: You know. Wes Craven. Friday the Thirteenth?
SHPIONOV: (Shakes head with incomprehension)
TRUMP: Never mind. And you made us float Rohrabacher as a candidate for Secretary of State.
SHPIONOV: Also a "special friend." But Vladimir Vladimirovich prefers Mr. Tillerson. He even awarded him a medal for that special friendship. We prefer him.
TRUMP: Me too. I'll take a fellow deal-maker over another wing nut.
SHPIONOV: (Pats Trump on the arm) You are doing a great job, Donald. One day, we will also award you a medal.
TRUMP: As long as it's gold.
See also:
A Conversation Between Donald Trump and His KGB Handler, Part II